What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:16
I could never make a relationship work though!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What is it like to wear a kilt?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Would this be the day?
Was to survive, this bastard.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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My life is so biszare .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Who then, do I blame.?
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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She found it foreign!.
This is soul school!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But, we were locked up after school.
But ive been too sick for many years..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I think the readers, may guess!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was seconnd youngest,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And i lived it daily.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He knew the spot.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Put me off passion for life!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was 9 years of age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was in good health!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So, i spoilt her more .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
All the time i was locked up.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She married twice! .
I will be 64.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She loved him until the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I have no regrets .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
What did i know ?
But it wasn’t much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .
I said to her
I couldn’t, believe it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One cannot live in the past .
Im still living with it.
We were not on the streets..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Comes on , in middle age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i do to all so called friends.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.